A Duchess And Her Breasts

When I switched on the telly this morning, I was greeted with lots of faux concerned people talking about Kate Middleton. Huh, I thought, did she pick up the wrong fork? Wear something that was last season? Get seen in public without her lippy? All could be crimes held againt her. But no. It appears that she was on holiday, in a private Chateau, and took her top off thus revealing that she has breasts. Like half the population.

Now, I'm a woman. I too have slabs of fat attached to my chest. Most of the time, they don't really do much. They get in the way when I'm reaching for the biscuit tin, but that's about it. Of course, they were terribly useful when I had my children, what with making foodstuffs and what not. But that's really all they've ever done. They have a temporary biological function, and mostly just hang there. A bit like, I dunno, ears. Of course, I realise that some men, and some women, find breasts extremely attractive. Fair enough. But I don't understand why it is in the public interest to see photographs proving that the Duchess also has breasts. Because, you see, I already knew. It was never, as far as I'm aware, a secret. If you were surpised, you might also like to know that so does the Queen.

So, Kate having breasts is not news. It's not surprising, or rare, or particularly fascinating. So why was a paparazzi hanging out of a tree with a long lens hoping for a shot of Royal nipple? Well, firstly, I'd say because they're bastards. With no sense of morality or empathy. That said, there is a market for this stuff. And that is what interests me and makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Because what does publishing photographs of the Duchess topless achieve? For the voyeur, it's just another pair of tits. In a world where (depressingly) there are scores of young women willing to pose topless or totally naked for relatively little money, surely there is no need to show the bodies of women who'd rather you didn't. Are women's bodies public property, regardless, now? Is it the challenge? That these are breasts you're not supposed to see, so damn it, you're going to see them?

Because if that's the motivation, it's really rather frightening. It smacks of a deep seated 'Women: know your place' mentality. A public shaming. How dare you reveal your breasts, Duchess! You should be covered and demure and behave as we say you should at all times! We will conveniently ignore the fact that you were in private, with your husband, in a place you felt safe. And if you're going to get 'em out at any time, then we want to see! If you're not going to set yourself apart and behave as we see fit, then we're going to treat you just like any other woman and stare at your decorative bits. But if you breastfeed in public, by Christ we're going to be disgusted.

Quite frankly, the whole thing gives me The Rage. I have no doubt that Kate Middleton is embarassed by this episode. Not because she has breasts, but because her privacy has been grossly invaded. And because a part of her body that we, as a society, deem only to be sexual rather than functional, has been splashed across newsstands for people to gawp at. She will perhaps worry what people will think. Well, I hope that the vast majority think: How awful. That woman's privacy has been invaded and the media seem to be trying to shame her for having breasts. How ridiculous.

I really, really hope that that's the way it goes.